All I wanted was to see a few stars.
Looking up so I could wish upon one?
I’ve asked too much, I see.
All you do is play hide and seek.
What did I do to appal you.
Never wanting to visit, never wanting to peak.
You’ve disappeared like words on bubbles.
I miss the times I could just look up and talk to you.
I hope you know my fondness was true.
I await the time, when you’ll visit again soon.
You used to be a flower with all this love to offer.
When your petals were torn apart, you bit back the tears.
Your blossom now lost and colour all dried up.
You stand wishing to be that cactus in the distance;
Covered in thorns for the benefit of your soul.
Everyday, you dwindle a little more, your beauty wearing off.
The spikes that swore to protect you were cut off by those purveyors,
But when you still had the hope to be appreciated, you were severed like an open wound.
Here, after so long you were picked up, with an intention to shield.
You’ve never been happier;
in between these pages than you were ever, between anyone’s fingers.
Wanting to be grounded but not stuck.
Go places but not be uprooted.
I go around seeing people planting roots in the shoes of one another;
Shedding their leaves by each other’s bedsides.
With us changing shoes back and forth, no time for the radicle to grow;
We carry shovels in our backpacks always.
Each one waiting for that solid ground where it’s all just right;
Just the right Sun and just the same Sultry.
Naive enough, we believe the ground will find us.
Cutting off here and there, must be a chaos there downstairs.
As each year passes, I keep getting close.
Right around the corner, but still a long way out the door.
I’ve tried basing my life upon what is expected of me;
Reminding myself, sure one day I’ll be free.
Reminiscing the good old days, now only fills me with dismay;
Clinging to the past, I’ve fought and worked to not anymore, be a child.
To walk out of the daze where everything was mild.
But, I’ve grown and become.
Learnt to stay, not to succumb.
Inching closer to where I want to be in a few years.
The view from the top, I’m sure will be good enough to bring me to tears.
The road is long and the journey is the destination, after all.
Glorify the wounds, every cut and scrape.
Rumi says, that’s where light enters you.
Sitting here looking at so many on myself, I started out with singing songs about them.
The tunes tried healing, succeeded sometimes.
Even while sitting in murk, hoping for sunshine.
Finding a thin ray of light, basking in it, growing in it.
Desperate for some of it to reach where it is needed most.
The sun lights up the whole sky, never asking anything in return.
But why is it still outside where I go looking for light and not within?
To find peace, I sought chaos.
A place so crowded, noise is all I hear.
Amidst a sea of people, I sit unattached.
I close my eyes and plug in, look up to find a world more euphonious.
The man trying to sell tea, now seems more chirpy, moving to the beats I hear.
The waves of the sea too, now matching the ripples in my head.
While I enjoy the solitude I found, I see another like me.
Engrossed much more, he was in a daze.
Unlike me, he didn’t quite seek quiet.
He sought inspiration to take him away from the throng.
Plugged in as well, he seemed so calm but the second toe of his left foot couldn’t contain it.
It wanted to break free and dance to the cadence.
Overtly, he and I looked the same, doing the same.
But here I found music in others while he found it in himself.
Someone once told me I have the darkest eyes, that look so dense like there is a cave on the other side. Not even light can pass into them. Secrets can hide very well behind them, so many things to reveal.
Then there was another, who said my eyes were how he noticed me in a crowd, pale like a ghost’s. Empty as if there is nothing to read, nothing to know and even look through.
All I can think of at times is who do I believe? Were any of them true?
Are my eyes really a window to my soul or a mirror to yours?
We’re only finite humans with measured destinies;
looking for something to fill in the breaches.
A great big world and we find solace in people.
You said when you saw me, you knew.
You knew my eyes couldn’t contain my soul.
It wasn’t for everyone you were the only peculiar one, took the time to count all my facades.
When I was smiling at the world, you sat back collecting the shattered pieces of me.
And when I came home I proudly showed you the cracks in my armour.
You ran your hands over them, mending the ones inside.
In between your arms I felt the galaxy kissing me.
Watching him sleep, I feel him breathing.
I couldn’t put a finger on when I fell back into dreaming.
He is the ‘Stairway to Heaven’ of songs. Grows on you with time, not at once.
Not the one you’ll love at first sight, someone you remember in your serenity.
Think of him in the depths of my despair, not all had sanity.
Eluding your flaws, I couldn’t see past the fog.
Even after cutting through the layers, I still saw brick walls.
But the recklessness bit into my daze and woke me up.
Months after and I’m still stuck with only the memory of you.
Always been alone, always stayed content.
But never did I foresee, my mind could have such a dent.
Why do I feel the walls closing in on me?
Is there anyone, anyone who can hear me?
Always been the listener, always the quiet one. Did anyone try?
To read between the lines?
The muddle comes up when I stop hearing, when I stop trying.
When I feel alone even amongst all these eyes.
Doesn’t matter, I’ll just head back. Where, do you ask?
Somewhere I can be whole again and drop this silent mask.